SOUL

RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships: Where Connection Begins

People rarely forget how you made them feel. Some respond to us with kindness, others keep their distance — not always because of personal judgment, but sometimes because our body language, energy, or timing doesn’t invite connection.

Building relationships today can feel harder than ever. So much communication happens through screens, and it’s not always clear who we’re really speaking to. Messages go unanswered, headphones stay on, and everyone seems wrapped in their own world.

All we can do is try our best. If someone doesn’t want to talk, meet, or connect, we have two choices: gently try to shift the moment, or simply let it be.

Healthy relationships shouldn’t feel like a performance. They shouldn’t require you to chase, convince, or force connection. The right ones unfold with ease.

From experience, the more open and genuine we are, the more others tend to open up too. Sometimes the most unexpected people become the ones we connect with deeply — all because we gave the moment a chance.

And if a relationship doesn’t work, don’t carry the blame alone. Connection is a two‑person effort. It takes two people to build it — and two people to lose it.

🌿 How the way we respond determines the outcome of a conflict

There’s a principle in Aikido that has always stayed with me: "Aikido is the art of reconciliation". Whoever has the mind to fight, has broken their connection with people. If you try to dominate people, you are already defeated. Aikido students learn how to resolve conflict, not how to start it.

In everyday life, this often means choosing silence over reaction. Giving emotions a moment to settle prevents small tensions from becoming unnecessary battles. When thoughts cool, people often recognise their own behaviour without us having to point it out.

I once faced a situation where someone acted with entitlement and frustration. I had every opportunity to push back, to use the situation to “teach a lesson,” or to assert myself. Instead, I chose the opposite: I responded quickly, fairly, and without ego. That simple act of integrity changed the entire dynamic. Gratitude replaced tension, and cooperation followed naturally.

Moments like these remind me that holding onto ego only tightens the knot. Letting go — even when we feel justified — often creates the space for respect, clarity, and genuine connection.

Kindness isn’t weakness. It’s strategy. It’s strength. And it’s one of the most powerful tools we have in relationships.

 

 

How the way we speak shapes our relationships

 

Transactional Analysis

Transactional Analysis teaches us that we don’t just speak from one “voice.” We switch between different internal states without realising it:

1. The Parent

  • Nurturing/Neutral Parent: calm, supportive, guiding

  • Critical Parent: judging, blaming, lecturing

2. The Adult

  • rational, grounded, problem‑solving

  • the version of us that communicates clearly

3. The Child

  • Rebellious Child: defensive, reactive, emotional

  • Adapted Child: people‑pleasing, apologetic

 
Why arguments escalate

When someone speaks to us from their Critical Parent, we often respond from our Rebellious Child. And once the rebellious child comes out, the other person’s rebellious child usually follows.

Suddenly, it’s not two adults talking — it’s two kids shouting, neither listening, both wanting to “win.”

That’s why the golden rule is:

“Leave the child at home.”

When you notice someone slipping into their rebellious child, bring out your Adult. Your calmness invites their calmness. Your grounded tone encourages theirs.

Animals understand this instinctively: don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

And as book The Chimp Paradox puts it: if you bring out your gorilla, expect a gorilla to answer back.

I have used this approach countless times. With my nephew, instead of arguing, I used my Adult voice:

“If you eat dinner quickly, we’ll have time to get ice cream before the shop closes.”

No shouting. No power struggle. Just calm logic — and it worked.

I’ve avoided many arguments simply by refusing to let my rebellious child answer. When you stay in Adult mode, the whole conversation shifts.

How do you know it’s the right partner?

Someone once asked me a simple question: “How do you feel when you wake up next to your partner?”

It’s a powerful filter. If the first thoughts are about what’s missing — affection, warmth, connection — then the relationship is already telling you the truth. When you feel unseen, you eventually stop pretending you don’t notice.

The right partner makes you feel valued. Not through grand gestures, but through consistency. There are no mind games, no silent tests, no emotional guessing. You feel secure because the connection is real. The right partner gives you a sense of security that stays with you, no matter what life brings.

🌱 “What if I never find the right partner?”

People fall in love at every age — 20s, 40s, 60s. Love doesn’t follow a schedule. The right person doesn’t arrive when you are perfect; they arrive when you are ready to recognise what you deserve.

Relationship Values

Every person has different emotional priorities. Some seek:

  • certainty

  • variety

  • significance (power)

  • love and connection

  • growth

  • contribution

A relationship works when what you value aligns with what they value. Not perfectly — but closely enough that you are moving in the same direction.

The right partner will  complement you. They meet you where you are, and you meet them where they are — without losing yourselves in the process.

💔 Heartbreak

Sometimes it takes only a few words to shake us. Not because the words are powerful, but because they land exactly where we are vulnerable. A single sentence can trigger adrenaline, anxiety, or a physical reaction we didn’t expect. When that happens, it’s easy to assume we are weak or overreacting — but emotional triggers often reveal something deeper.

The cycle of hurt

When someone hurts us, the instinct to react is strong. Not always out of anger — sometimes out of self‑protection, pride, or the desire to restore balance. But emotional exchanges often follow a simple pattern:

  • Someone feels hurt.

  • They react.

  • The reaction hurts the other person.

  • The cycle continues.

It’s rarely about who is “right.” It’s about two egos colliding, each trying to defend itself.

When clarity arrives

It can be unsettling to realise that the pain we feel now might be similar to the pain we once caused someone else. Not intentionally, but through our own reactions, assumptions, or emotional blind spots. That realisation can be humbling — and strangely healing.

It shows us that emotional impact doesn’t require bad intentions. It only requires two people who are both hurting.

The moment of choice

When emotions run high, the mind looks for ways to regain control. But the real test is not whether we can strike back — it’s whether we can pause long enough to choose a different path.

Letting go is not weakness. It is the moment you stop feeding a cycle that can only escalate.

What the body teaches

Strong emotional triggers can feel physical: shaking, nausea, headaches, adrenaline. These reactions are not signs of failure — they are signs that something important has been touched. The body often reacts before the mind understands why.

Recognising this helps us respond with awareness instead of impulse.

What support can and cannot do

Friends and family may not always understand the depth of what we feel. They can agree with us logically and still not grasp the emotional weight. That doesn’t invalidate the experience — it simply means the lesson is ours to process.

The deeper truth

At the heart of most conflicts is ego — the part of us that wants to be right, respected, acknowledged, or understood. When ego rises, relationships fall. When ego softens, clarity returns.

Letting go is not surrendering to someone else. It is choosing peace over pride. It is choosing growth over reaction. It is choosing to break a pattern instead of repeating it.

A Hawaiian saying

Ho'oponopono is a Hawaiian mantra. They say these 4 meaningful words to heal those that are hurt, including ourselves: Please forgive me. I am sorry. Thank you. I love you. 

"Who should I say sorry to"? People asks. "I am always a good person, I always do the right thing".

Perhaps say sorry to yourself, for being so harsh on yourself. Because sometimes no one will put higher standards on us, than ourselves.

Or perhaps sometimes, the way we look at others, speak to them, or not speak to them, might hurt them unintentionally.

It might just be a coincidence, but since I started using them, my family has put their differences aside, and finally get together like we never did before.